Japan in Springtime Means...
by Kevin Burns
You know it is Spring in Japan when your eyes glaze over as you stare at yet another cherry blossom.
Miss Fuji your gorgeous office lady colleague confesses in a drunken slur how handsome you are, "Mister Kevin."
Too bad your wife is sitting next to you at the time and there'll be no "hubba hubba" for weeks!
Pictured: Japanese bridge courtesy of Fuji Film staff
Japanese salarymen can be seen so fall-down drunk they break their reading grasses (sorry for that one, I've been here too long!).
Your Japanese friends proudly tell you: "I rike Japan because it have four season."
You remind them that Spring only lasts for two weeks now, and then becomes one long hot summer; interrupted briefly by a rude scene from Noah's ark called "Tsuyu," or the rainy season.
They politely change the subject, "Which you like bettah Mr. Kevin, cherry brossom viewing or prumbrossom viewing?"
It's always a tough decision for me and I am usually on the fence about it. Both "brossoms"have their good points, and if I have been imbibing shochu all day, it makes the answer all the more difficult.
In the Spring, the approaching Cherry Blossom Front, takes precedence over all other breaking news, including which actress is having an affair with which loser from abroad.
Sales of orange hair dye go way down, as college grads start their new jobs. The prime minister worries that the economy will implode if more people don't colour their hair. The nationally minded senior citizens respond in droves, and there's a run on blue hair dye.
The prime minister gives a thank you speech. Japan is saved!
Like the bosozoku, the cockroaches emerge from their holes, and they are faster now. They will have none of that slow winter blood in them, they speed up with the heat. Newbie foreigners' initial disgust at Japanese cockroaches, turns to "Friday the 13th" like horror when they realize, "Those buggers fly!"
In panic they run to their friend's houses screaming incoherently, "internet access now!" Once online they log onto the FBC homepage and order industrial strength Raid, hoping that will do in these dreaded black bugs.
But roaches are the only ones who will survive a nuclear attack, and deep down we all know they will survive you too.
"The horror...the horror.""I love the smell of Raid in the morning. It makes me think of ... Japan!"
With the springtime warmth the skirts of high school girls take a hike. They cannot go up stairs without covering their derrieres with their handbags. The few salarymen able to break the under 20 age curfew in Shibuya risk serious injury, as they crane their necks trying to look up the stairs.
Or should I say, stares? Broken bones and grasses are rampant. (There I go again, been here too long as I mentioned before).
A mad cow runs through the streets of Tokyo with "Aussie Beef" branded
on its' side. It turns out to be Makiko Tanaka in drag. She and another
fired cabinet minister had teamed up, hoping to embarrass Mr.
Koizumi."Mr. Nogami was the back end," Tanaka confesses to NHK.
Green Links:
Greenpeace Japan:Tel 03-5351-5400
Japan Environmental Association 03-3508-2651
Japan Tropical Rainforest Action Network 03-3770-6308
Japan Union for Nature Conservation 03-3905-6191
Save the Sea 03-5442-3431
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Humour About Life in Japan
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JT: Japan Tobacco Says it's Diversifying
by Kevin Burns
"Before we just killed 'em! But now we try to cure 'em too."--Yoshi Shindamoto, President of JT
Tokyo:JL
Deep in the bowels of Japan's capital city, Japan Toebacco or JT, plans its' next strategic moves.Hiroshi Nakunata, JT Marketing Chief, spends his days at the head office deciding on future products and forming thestrategies that will bring success to JT. "We decided in June that killing our customers didn't make goodbusiness sense. Now we merely try to make them sick. Then with our recent tie up with U.S. biotech companies,we hope to cure them too. We plan on making as many Japanese ill as possible. This will generate millionsof yen in tobacco sales. After this, we will attempt to cure them with our lung cancer vaccines, mu ha ha ha ha!We won the wold so sorry!"
Many tobacco giants the world over have praised JT's vision as one for the 21st century. "Anyone can killthem, but to cure them too, wow that's a marketing loop! Of course there is no danger in smokingcigarettes though, I didn't mean to imply that. End of interview. No comment."--Tom Marlborough, of Kraven eh!The Canadian Toebacco Company
Okama Bin Laden the transvestite terrorist, in a rare interview, praised JT as being more successful at killing themasses than he was. In one year alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related diseases.1"That's more than I've ever been able to mastermind. Do you like my dress? I'm not treated well here inAfghanistan, being dressed like a woman, but what can you do when you shave your legs and speak with thisvoice?"
Indeed JT's record is astounding! Many of its' customers have died or become ill. "We are proud of our success,but we cannot sit on our raurels, is that how you plonounce dat word? Anway, we cannot shit around, we mustcontinue progress towards the future. Killing is how you say? Become passe, we must cure our customers.We are a nicer, gentler JT now."--Biyoki Suzuki, Head of Sales at JT
With many of JT's customers now dead or dying, and sales going down, the move into curing customers wasfelt to be necessary according to press reports. "We are so happy to have exclusive rights to lung cancervaccines in Japan, Taiwan and South Korea. No one can make or sell them here without our approval.2No it isn't a conflict of interest to make products which kill people and others that cure them.It does make good dinner conversation and smacks of a 'Simpson's,' episode though."--Gun Hayakuatta, a JT staffer
God help us!
1. One study found that in 1995 alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related illnesses.
2. This, according to a report in The Japan Times in November, 2001.
I Love People Smoking Next to Me!
Originally published in the Vancouver Sun
by Kevin Burns
Tokyo: God I love people smoking next to me! Japan is a great country for a guy like me. I love the smell on myclothes and my hair. I don't smoke myself, I don't need to. I get enough when I go to any movie theatrelobby, restaurant or coffee shop here. It's a great place for smoke inhalation. I may become a fireman becauseof this Land of the Rising Smoke. I miss the Marlborough man--he died of lung cancer long ago; too bad. Hisyoung virile image is here though--on many billboards and blasting from Sony TV's throughout the land.Don't tell anyone he died of lung cancer eh! Many people don't seem to know.And many famous stars from America make great cigarette ads here. I guess people like Charlie Sheenagree with me, that Japan is a great country and that everyone should smoke.
I don't smoke, and I never had asthma in Canada, I developed it here in Japan. Silly Canadiansand their non-smoking cities. How could I ever develop a challenging disease like asthma in alargely smoke free city like Vancouver! And how do they expect to attract any new smokersif they don't let the big tobacco giants advertise! How ludicrous! No I'm glad I moved here!I think those Canadians are too health conscious! No smoking in public, come on! What willthey do next, make Canadian store clerks polite? Make them get off the phones with theirfriends and actually serve the customers?
It's neat going to the hospital here. The one I go to specializes in asthma treatment!The doctor is very famous and he smokes in front of his patients--yes that's right, right in the hospital lobby.Oh it's great, I don't even have to move, I get smoke blown in my face bymy own doctor! I don't even pay extra! It's a free service.And thank God he never runs out of cigarettes, there are two cigarette vending machinesright in the hospital!!!! You have to like that!
I confess, I was so distraught that all the airlines here have wimped out and banned smoking on all international flights.Something to do with foreign pressure. Oh well, I can still smell the stench in the elevators, taxi cabs,and on my friend's clothes too. It's great that the Japanese government feels like I do.They think, "The people need their cigarettes!" So they own the whole company.They are kind of like a Bill Gates of Tobacco. They stare down from the Diet Building and are happy in knowing thatJapan Tobacco is making cigarettes for the Japanese masses. There is no discrimination here about smoking.They are available to everyone! Even children can buy them, as there are vending machines all over the country.No one can supervise it so anyone with the Yen to smoke can do so! Konnichiwa Tobacco!I see students smoking everywhere. The people hack on the trains, and it isn't just from colds you know;Japan Tobacco can be thanked for that. Plus JT is reducing the population here. Japan is prettyoverpopulated anyway--one study said that over 100,000 Japanese died from tobacco related illnessesin 1995 alone! Wow! It's strange as that seems to go against the whole plan. Japanese always worry aboutthe declining population but don't seem to do much to curb smoking. I am forever grateful that the Japanese aren't thathealth conscious! They even smoke while holding their babies! Yes, life is good here!Oh smell my sweater...I think that aroma is Lucky Strike!
This article was originally published in The Vancouver Sun, on Wednesday, January 17th, 2001
"Do you mind if I smoke? No. Do you mind if I fart?"--Steve Martin
You've Been In Japan Too Long! When....
by Kevin Burns
First thing Saturday morning, you head to Shibuya to check the prices of orange hair dye. If you areover 65 then the blue hair dye is your dye of choice.
Corn or cuttle fish on pizza don't phase you!
You strongly believe that The Southern All-Stars really are one of the greatest bands of all time.
It doesn't bother you too much when total strangers open your front door if you don't answer it right away.
Having all the local mail in English come to your house no longer makes you angry. You keep what you can use,and pass along what you don't want to the neighbours.
Shogi what a great family game!
You have index cards you hand out when you go back home to answer all of the inane questions you must deal within alphabetical order: the food question, the where do you live question, the do you use chopsticks question
You have the same cards in Japanese.
It doesn't bother you to take a piss at a urinal where everyone can see you.
Having someone wearing white gloves shove you into a crowded train is a wonderful way to start your day off right.
You cannot count the number of times you have performed, "My Way," to uproarious applause at various Karaoke Bars all overthe Japanese archipelago.
Cold fish eyes staring up at you, raw egg on rice and miso soup, ah breakfast in Japan! Too bad I drank so much last night!Excuse me, I think I'm gonna be blah!!!!!!!!
You love the Yakimo song and think it should be in the top ten.
People making loud slurping noises at the local ramen shop don't bother you anymore. In fact, as your divorce has justcome through, you scout the local ramen shops for potential girlfriends.
You forget simple English words like, "counter," or "broom," and your friends have been here too long as well, as theydon't suggest getting an MRI.
You give a salaryman's best back suck when someone asks you a difficult question, and say "Oh my Gott!" at partiestrying to fit in with your Japanese pals.
You find it difficult to say "no," instead saying something like: "It is difficult."
You no longer get belted by the taxi door when it opens automatically.
To get off a crowded train you think it is normal behaviour to push 5 total strangers out of your way if they don't move.
You have mastered the "flying V" a technique for warding off obatalian as you drive for the final seat on the Yamanote line.
You bow on the phone.
You think a night out in Roppongi is an interesting cultural exchange experience.
You speak Japanese to the neighbourhood pets.
You no longer find pornography at the local coffee shop objectionable.
You still think natto tastes like dog vom, but you can now discuss it like a rational human being even pointing out some ofits' health benefits.
When you retire, you dream of directing traffic in front of one of the local supermarkets.
Women from Iowa and Kansas seem exotic.
When you have time off you go to Guam. "I went to Saipan last year," you tell your friends.
Some of the friends you first met when you first arrived in Japan, are now back. Forgetting your own situation for a moment,you quietly think to yourself, "Boy he can't get enough of this place now can he?"
You really do enjoy "beautiful communication life," and are damn proud of it too!
Some Interesting Quotes:
"You know you aren't eating well, when you have the Pizza-La number memorized!"--Anonymous
"Bruce what the hell are those? They're comin' out of the walls!--Westerners confront the dreaded Japanese Cockroach.There is a reason why monster movies like Godzilla were made here!--Kevin Burns
If I Were the Prime Minister of Japan
by Kevin Burns
If elected prime minister I promise to do the following: All cockroaches will be deported tocold countries like Canada and Sweden where they cannot move around so fast or scare people so much.It will take a while for them to be deported so, in the meantime a "No Fly Zone" will be declared over Japan.Cockroaches will not be allowed to fly and it will be enforced by the Japanese Self-Defence Forces and the AmericanAir Force. I hate it when the BIG cockroaches fly! Some people will protest, why are you discriminating against cockroaches?But hey, they don't pay taxes and they eat our food. Plus they scare me! Isn't that reason enough?
All Japanese will be required to study at my own Kevin's English Schools. But the bathhouse ownersin Otaru will be banned unless they will let me have a bath. I promise not to be too "smelly."If they will let me have a bath, they can study at our schools, but I will give them a lot of homework.
Natto will be banned! I don't care if it is healthy. It is disgusting! It is smelly and tastes like dog vom.Although I uh, haven't uh tried dog vomit, but I imagine that's what it would taste like. Anyone found eating Nattowill get extra homework!
Yuki Uchida will be my Minister of Finance. Hikaru Nishida will be the Minister of ForeignAffairs as she can speak English so well. Hikaru Utada will sing the Kimigayo at all baseball games.Akebono and Konishiki will be in charge of keeping the government from corruption. If anyonecommits a crime, they will be thrown out by the big guys! Beat Takeshi will be my right hand man,and anytime I get frustrated by anything, I will bat him over the head with a big foam mallet to the laughter andapplause of millions on national television. God I love power already! I can almost taste it!
Former Prime Minister Mori and Governor Ishihara will do odd jobs around my house. They will berequired to write on the white board in our classroom 100 times everyday, "I love all foreigners. I love allforeigners. Foreigners are great, I love all foreigners." Until they are fit to have foreign friends and influence people.Elect me! Kevin for PM! Ishihara will be required to write several new books entitled: "The Japan that can say'Real Lemon'", "I Love Bathing with Russians & Koreans", and "How to Lie About What You Really Mean for Dummies."I think all will become huge best sellers. A specialist will be brought in from California to permanently removeMori's foot from his mouth. Total amputation of both feet is the recommended course of action according toDr. Wilson of Anaheim General.
All Japanese textbooks will have to have the truthful version of history in it. Things like, "We were politelyinvited by the Chinese to have Oolong Tea in Nanking," will be taken out and changed. As well versions of what happened atthe River Kwai will be changed from: "We gave jobs to unemployed Britons and built a fantastic overland railway in Thailand,"to give a clearer picture of what Japan did in Asia.
All Japanese politicians will be given intensive English lessons so that they do not claim to be the American President'swife and fopaws like that.
All signs in English in Japan will be taken at face value and all foreigners will be permitted to follow the rules to the letter andnot be punished. Hotel signs such as "Please take advantage of the Chambre Maid." is a case in point.I will not reveal the name of the hotel, that is my little secret, I should be allowed one as prime minister. Please don't showthis article to the future first lady! Signs at airports in Japan saying things like "Aliens report here," will be changed to:"Esteemed Guests from other Countries, this way please." We don't want to confuse Sigourney Weaver when she comesfor my inauguration.
Cute politicians like little Kiichi Miyazawa will be made into cartoon characters. His cartoon, "Kich-Chan" will rival Pikachu forpopularity. The Kiichi Miyazawa game for Play Station 2 will be released for the Christmas season. The game will involve acharacter called Mori who drops things all over and little Kiichichan must pick them up over multiple levels. A golf gamewill be included on level 4.
Smoking will be banned in all restaurants but farting will be permitted. Special farting sections will be set up however."Do you prefer farting or not farting?"-will be the refrain heard at Denny's from now on.
Anyone found sleeping in their cars while letting them idle will be woken by special police with blaring horns.
Politicians will not be permitted to go around the neighbourhoods screaming their names over loud speakers, they will have to saysomething of substance at meetings held in public halls though, which may be very difficult for most of them.
The official motto of my cabinet will be "Let's enjoy beautiful communication life." After two weeks of debate, deliberationand in typical Japanese style, a final consensus; we came to the hard-fought conclusion that this was much better than,"Let's enjoy tampon life;" which was already being used by a Japanese uh, er...women's personal needs company.
Vote for me! I will not let you down!
Kevin Burns in Dreamland
Being in Japan in the Summertime Means...
Pictured: Yuki Uchida, Japanese actress and singer.
by Kevin Burns
Never having to go to a sauna.
You really can cook your egg on the sidewalk! "Don't step on it! Can't you see I'm cooking!"
Never letting a Japanese person tell you: "I like Japan because we have four seasons." The appropriateresponse to this misguided statement of course is: "You don't have four seasons you silly Nihonjin,you have three: bloody hot, bloody cold, and Rainy!"
Enough frogs or cichadas (take your pick) outside your bedroom window to wake all the dead in every horror storySteven King has ever written.
The bosozoku are out, the police in the koban having a royal milk tea, and it is open season on your ears.
Going through three shirts before you even get to work.
Beer gardens!
Bikini girls at Enoshima.
When you watch "The Wizard of Oz," and the Wicked Witch of the West says, "I'm melting!"It takes on new meaning for you. You can finally wholeheartedly relate to her feelings. You haveactually connected to a witch and you didn't even have to pay for it!
Listening to Africans complain about the heat and humidity.
Opening every encounter with everyone with the words, "It's hot isn't it?"
Sitting down and bracing yourself before checking your electricity bill.
Being in the shade is just as hot as being in the sun.
Cockroaches the size of hockey pucks and just as fast too!
Taking two baths a day.
Sitting down and bracing yourself before checking your water bill.
Praying to the Air Conditioner God everyday and twice on Sundays.
Kevin Burns
I wish I had a different last name!